Tell Giselle: Helping comes at some cost

“I was asked by an older friend to do a few things for them while they were having health problems. They were not able to take care of themselves, and they had chores around their yard and house. What bothers me about this is they can afford to hire people to do whatever is needed.

“I am not wanting to be unkind, but it is really hard to help out without being irritated. This is not the first time I’ve been in this situation. I know this won’t be the last time I am asked to help out.

“I don’t like feeling this way but don’t know how to decline in a way that won’t weaken my relationship.”

G: Here’s the bottom line: Yes and No are choices you get to make, and not someone else’s to make for you. How you feel about saying Yes and No is also up to you.

Put their assumed affluence aside for just a moment.

Is it possible that you are perturbed because you think they are violating a principle by asking for something of you that is not a necessity?

Now, back to the financial aspect of this… Are you more annoyed that you think they are taking advantage of your ability to help them at no cost to them?

I am reminded of a lesson that took me too long to master: In similar situations I am usually in a better state of mind when I hesitate a bit before responding in the affirmative.

Sometimes I do need to remind myself of this fact: Now that my responsibilities for parenting a young child are decades behind me, and I am no longer slogging away at a demanding career, I am under no spiritual edict to always be at the beck and call of anyone.

When I am asked for help with some task or errand, I am entitled to look at it for how it affects my wellbeing. Being a loving and kind helper always comes with tradeoffs and sometimes it is costly.

Yet, frequently an immediate, enthusiastic “I can” is what is called for. I know what it is like to not have a solid support system at crucial times. It sucks, it is frightening and it hurts. Many readers can relate to that.

I’ve learned that people close to us may reach out for our help because it serves as a test of sorts. Sometimes they just want to know how committed we are to them. Sometimes they just want to see how present we are to their changing circumstances, but often it is because they trust us to do the right thing by them.

How that can manifest is they give us the key to their home, they give us access to passwords or documents to help them with banking or personal correspondence, or have us on their list of emergency contacts.

There are indirect and nonverbal ways that we convey to others that they still matter greatly to us, and that we want our relationship/friendship to endure the challenges of general ailments and aging.

When we neglect one another out of judgmental attitudes, particularly those that may have been formed from misinformation and ignorance, we create a hurt that cuts deeper than we may realize. Before you get any further down the road on your reluctance to help, think carefully about how much this person and the rewards of your history and intimacy with them mean to you.

You always have the option of limiting the degree to which you do show up to help out, and when you make yourself available. But I would not use their ability to pay or not pay for services as the determining metric for an affirmative response.

Consider having a conversation with your friend to address some of the events that have made their reliance on you more frequent. You can go over some of their current needs, and also look at potential looming issues. This will help them assess not only the latest reality they are experiencing but initiate a more detailed plan for realistic backup.

Some people simply do not realize they are “needlessly” imposing. It could be that their latest crisis was one that required a quick solution. They may have lost track of the number of times you have been their savior. They may just need to have your gentle hand of friendship to remind them of your world and that you have a lot on your plate already.

Address other supports that they can get in place for any unexpected emergency or scheduled medical appointment. If need be, help them arrange as much of this as you are comfortable with doing. You will feel better knowing there is a safety net for whenever you choose to say you are unavailable.

Rather than begrudgingly doing chores for anyone who asks them of you, consider choosing to look at any assistance you do give as philanthropy, or a pure good deed that is bestowed without any expectation or need of compensation, not even an expression of gratitude.

Email Giselle with your question at GiselleMassi@gmail.com or send mail: Giselle Massi, P.O. Box 991, Evergreen, CO 80437. For more info and to read previous columns, go to www.gisellemassi.com