Tell Giselle: The Upside to Ghosting

Ghosting is the practice of cutting off all communication suddenly and without notice. It is a behavior near the apex of social insults. Some who have been ghosted find themselves on a ride that is emotionally injurious. It is no wonder then that ghosting is frequently discussed in mostly negative terms. It need not be.

A question that is representative of what you may have already pondered is:

“I ghosted someone a few years ago. I read about how ghosting can screw up a person for a long time. Should I apologize to them?”

G: An essential practice is to review decisions we make, even long after the decision is no longer pertinent to our situation. If done with brutal honesty, it allows for the possibility that we end up seeing we made an error in judgment. Holding up a critical mirror helps us consider not only how we feel about ourselves and how we have been acting, it can reinforce how we want to be treated.

Apologizing will depend on the circumstances that led to the ghosting. When I take the 35-thousand-foot view, I am inclined to think that the reason for ghosting someone is more often than not appropriate. Sometimes it may be necessary to maintain boundaries or one’s mental health. Those caveats can make ghosting an act of self-preservation, aka kindness.

Consider also the best use of time. From my spiritual playbook it is not always a good idea to try to explain to someone why you no longer want to have contact with them. It can be a colossal waste of time because they cannot hear you, or do not want to do the work of understanding you.

It can also make things much worse.

What you say, where and how you say it, can create more drama than you ever dreamed possible. In a time of revenge porn and public breaches of confidences, what you commit to writing or in any communication (text, snail mail, phone/pics) is literally timeless.

Even when done with the best of intentions, your ‘splainin can set in motion a litany of public or private attacks that you may never be able to set right.

Hurt feelings, and reputations being ruined, aside, ghosting is one way of actually communicating in the clearest terms possible. Consider that not responding to someone actually is evidence that they are not present in your life any longer. They are not just off your radar screen, so to speak, they are effectively dead to you. How much clearer communication than silence can there be?

I did not say clean, I said clearer. Whether murky, dirty, or interminably long, any communication that conveys a full stop, meaning “final”, can actually be healthy.

Consider addiction: The only way to stop an addiction is to stop. This “Stop Means Stop” law applies to personal relationships, particularly ones that take a turn in an unpleasant direction. Face it, there are times when we come to the decision that we don’t want or need to deal with “that” person any longer.

Now, here’s an example of how good it can feel to utilize ghosting. A colleague created a big scene that had unexpected ripples. My well-meaning effort to assist them in their personal difficulties, that they had discussed at the office, went poorly. They chose to interpret my words in the most negative way possible. Despite being their mentor and friend, what backlash I experienced was enough to sever any future good will from me.

Eventually I moved on from that particular position. Some months had gone by when I unexpectedly received an email from them. Before ghosting was even “a thing”, I chose not to read what they had written. I let the email go the way of many a piece of news that I consider not my concern; I let it die its rightful death in the ether trash bin.

Now, one could say, what if that person was writing to apologize to you? Then what?

I adhere to an effective spiritual practice: If someone truly wants to make amends, or apologize in some fashion, or do their ‘splainin, a one-time effort of reaching out is insufficient.

Traditional Judaism advises making three attempts at reconciliation. If after the third time of trying to connect with someone where there has been a falling out or miscommunication, the spiritual failure/misstep now lays at their feet, not yours.

What about being ghosted by someone we were once in love with or had a personal connection with that touched our heart? Consider that they have done you an immense favor. They are showing you that they have made a decision, one that you need to respect.

Replicate their lesson as needed: Whenever the need arises to get away from someone or situation, we should be as clear as possible. That does not always require words. Silence is often golden. Accept its gift and move on with gratitude. You are then free to enjoy the extra room for someone else, someone who fits more peacefully into the life you create.

Email Giselle with your question at GiselleMassi@gmail.com or send mail: Giselle Massi, P.O. Box 991, Evergreen, CO 80437. For more info and to read previous columns, go to www.gisellemassi.com.