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“An older relative, someone I care about, refuses to pronounce a candidate’s name correctly. They also like to use nicknames that they think are clever. Sometimes they are, but it is irritating. What is up with that and what can I say to get them to stop?”
G: Let’s cut to the chase: Give it up. Best not to think it is your place to correct how anyone is speaking. Unless a person is asking for your help, or you are, for example, the parent of a small child or instructor, you are unlikely to make headway in changing this pattern of behavior.
Instead, let’s look at what this may indicate about what is really going on.
I’ve seen people say and do things that are goofy just to get attention. Perhaps this is what your relative is seeking. If you want to learn more about their nature, you can entertain the idea of that conversation, initiating it by asking if there is a reason they prefer to mispronounce names or use nicknames so often.
If the tone is playful when these things occur it would be nothing to really get worked up about. However, if these are said with contempt, disgust or seem to be about trying to rile you or others who may be within earshot, it could be representative of their agitated state and/or a level of ignorance that is beyond your capacity to address.
Sometimes older people misstate things because they have a memory deficit. You can inquire about this, and perhaps see if there is need for a medical evaluation.
Beyond that, I would focus on shifting any conversation away from you being the hall monitor. Open up topics that are on the light side that you find to be uplifting, educational, and entertaining.
More suggestions: What not to say to a breast cancer patient that can apply to others who are going through any acute or chronic health issues:
After much consideration, including doctor recommendations, a friend felt she needed to undergo elective surgery. Her double mastectomy could help to minimize the chances of developing cancer, but it was not a guarantee.
I had suspected she would have a thing or two to say about what not to say to someone like her, a person who had gone through a life altering, major surgery, yet who is still peering at facing the possibility of cancer soon or down the road.
Once her breasts were removed, the biopsy showed no signs of detectable cancer. Still, people who are given these kinds of “good news” reports may not always respond with relief or joy. There is much to process physically and emotionally.
They know that if they are to ever regain some semblance of being well, getting to a place of feeling pretty much, or almost, their whole selves, it won’t come in a New York minute. To think it will is a surefire path to disappointments and frustrations.
Even the most well-intended words of affection from loved ones can have the opposite effect. Some of those sentiments can land like insincere platitudes, making a patient feel even more isolated in their struggle to heal.
Here’s what she wanted my readers to consider not saying:
1. At least it’s not cancer.
2. It’s just for a little bit.
3. You’ll be 100 percent in no time.
4. This will just be a blip in time.
5. You’ll feel like yourself soon.
6. You’ve been through harder.
And the one that topped them all:
7. It’s sweater season; No one will notice you don’t have boobs but you.
Someone actually did say that doozy to her.
When she texted me #7 I responded to her that what’s weird is everyone means well and loves to think they are being supportive, but it’s such a buzzkill.
No doubt we all will likely be on the receiving end of some of it if we live long enough, so perhaps we can try harder not to step in it.
Weeks post-surgery but still with much recovery ahead of her, she says she is in a better headspace so it doesn’t bother her. She still has moments where she is sad, and knows there is another surgery ahead of her, but she tries to focus on what she can do right now to get in shape for it, while giving herself space to grieve and “feel that”.
What we can do with loved ones who are in this condition is to take this information to heart and feel it.
If you want to know about the other “best not said” you can read: bit.ly/3Y8YkZx and bit.ly/4dyud23.
Email Giselle with your question at GiselleMassi@gmail.com or send mail: Giselle Massi, P.O. Box 991, Evergreen, CO 80437. For more info and to read previous columns, go to www.gisellemassi.com.
Email Giselle with your question at GiselleMassi@gmail.com or send mail: Giselle Massi, P.O. Box 991, Evergreen, CO 80437. For more info and to read previous columns, go to www.gisellemassi.com.