Tell Giselle: Reigniting a time-worn friendship

“I speak with a girlfriend I met several decades ago, but not as often as before. I know part of this is because we each have had health concerns with ourselves, and our partners and so the demands on my time have changed some.

“I feel like our friendship is still intact at the root, but it has gone dormant. This became noticeable when I realized I was having more contact with others. I’m unsure about whether or not I should address this with her or just let it go for now.”

G: Many of us will have a similar experience at some point, whether it be with our partners, former colleagues, relatives or friends from way back. What you do or don’t do really depends on what you want to achieve, or get out of this particular relationship. And that pretty much goes for any of your connections.

The more you put yourself into something, the more likely you are to expect to get something out of it. But it doesn’t always play out that way. And for good reasons.

Over the trials of COVID, many relationships began to look and feel differently. Many of us decided to evaluate, scrutinize, analyze, and inspect more closely what we were doing with our lives and with our intimates. And then we began rejecting this that and the other person and thing that didn’t measure up, to our values and needs, as we once thought they had.

What this also revealed to those of us who did that inner work was more than transformative to our state of wellness. We discovered that sometimes the discarding of stagnant/flat friendships or relationships that are no longer vibrant, or don’t fit in the compatibility zone of our interests and values anymore, can actually be a great gift we give to ourselves and to the other person.

You can both end up with more time to focus on what matters most to you, especially when you aren’t drained by concerns of how anyone else is fairing.

Like a wise person once reminded me, “The phone rings at both ends.” If your friend were uber connected with you and actively responsible for maintaining a mutually satisfying and nurturing relationship, they could pick up the phone.

That is, if they are well enough or of sound mind.

I say this because many years ago I had become aware one of my dearest and closest girlfriends had seemingly become less and less invested in reaching out to me. We lived states away but I continued to phone her and send cards on the usual holidays. To me it always felt that, for both of us, it was worth that extra effort from me.

Fast forward several years. She is diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, thus the gradual diminishment of her ability to stay deeply connected to me as she had for decades.

Like many, I have worked at, or better yet the word is “invested”, in quite a few other relationships. Some more heavily invested than others. These have been extremely satisfying connections, mostly from the get go. A few have hit their stride and then, to my surprise, plateaued and have remained where they’ve been.

Sometimes this can be attributed to a relocation, a growing gap in personal finances, or because of difficulties reconciling changes in politics/religion/food fads/recreational drugs/higher education levels… you get the idea. We grow, we change how we perceive things. Maybe they don’t change at our pace or fast enough, or stop growing.

It takes a great deal of introspection to honestly look at why we hang with some people, why we try so hard at being friends. In my playbook, it really should be as simple as being a curious toddler on the playground.

That was, or should have been, the bliss time of our lives, enjoying just connecting and discovering the awesome world, and each other, as though that was all that mattered. And for many of us, it was all that and no more.

Let’s try to return to that state of bliss. Pick up the phone and make a plan to visit, either by phone or in person. Get real with the ones who you have invested in and let them know your heart. You might discover they are different somehow. At the least you’ll be better informed about a whole lot of circumstances and/or needs. Theirs or yours. But reach out without expectation, just compassion and hope.

Email Giselle with your question at GiselleMassi@gmail.com or send mail: Giselle Massi, P.O. Box 991, Evergreen, CO 80437. For more info and to read previous columns, go to www.gisellemassi.com.