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“Earlier this year I learned that an extended family member, who is much younger than I am, is not getting along with one of her parents. She’s been in a tough state emotionally. I’ve tried to talk to her about ebbs and flows, as this may just be one of those phases.
“She is considering a more severe measure. I know cutting off parents is one option. Before she does that, do you think she should tell them her reason?”
G: What one can and should say to a parent at any time can depend on what the goal for the relationship is, and what the likelihood of reaching that goal might be.
I would not judge anyone harshly for their choices – about what they think, feel, believe or know – as many people will at least make some effort to do what is right. Another reason is that I quickly discover I do not possess enough information to make a clear judgment or determination. Good, effective counseling can often take significant time.
What I suggest you do is assist them in considering points that they may have left on the table.
When we are in discord, we may prefer picking and choosing what we share. We can fall into the habit of being selective about the history of our lives and the genesis of a problem. When we do this, we may end up turning our narrative of the situation into a manifesto of self-righteousness that omits culpability on our own part. We may be blinded to a more complete truth because of the pain we feel.
With this person, you too may not have enough specifics to be able to advise her. The scenario may or may not be as black and white as she (or you) perceives.
What you can do, if you have not already done so, is to have her seek a counselor or two, any trusted advisor with the capacity to go deep into the weeds with her. In order to arrive at a place where she can live in peace with whatever decision she makes, as with all of us, requires going over specifics. Many of the details may be quite intimate or too personal to share with you.
These advisors may help her to process her emotions more fully and quickly than you can. They may also help bring her to a state of acceptance and forgiveness that she had not thought possible.
Though I may take different steps to resolve a conflict than many readers may choose, I come to my perspectives on this relationship challenge having had personal experience with parental and family member estrangements. Several decades ago, I was estranged from one of my parents for about six weeks. I cannot recall which of us had stopped reaching out to the other, but I do know it took my effort at peacemaking to reset things. Only much later did I learn the root cause of the issue that was a simple misunderstanding blown out of proportions. Sound familiar?
Sometimes severing a parental tie on a more permanent term is essential for one’s well-being. If done with great forethought/consideration, and with an understanding that it may end up not being a permanent solution, it can be the absolute right decision for a chance at rebirth. But if done carelessly or in haste, it potentially can generate additional undesirable challenges that are long lasting.
Having said that, just realize that ending any relationship does not necessarily mean the suffering one is in can or would rapidly diminish.
As to whether or not anyone should be explaining to their parent why they are severing communication, I would say that, too, depends on the way the information is conveyed. I know it is important to carefully consider what one puts in writing, as written words may generate additional problems.
This parental situation is similar to the ghosting behavior. Sure, some people just need to be cut off from access without fanfare or interaction, but again this is a delicate emotional dance we must navigate with real awareness of what may be in everyone’s best interest.
Email Giselle with your question at GiselleMassi@gmail.com or send mail: Giselle Massi, P.O. Box 991, Evergreen, CO 80437. For more info and to read previous columns, go to www.gisellemassi.com
Email Giselle with your question at GiselleMassi@gmail.com or send mail: Giselle Massi, P.O. Box 991, Evergreen, CO 80437. For more info and to read previous columns, go to www.gisellemassi.com.