Tell Giselle: Getting out of denial

“When do you know when it is time?” I was asked by a more-than-middle-aged man. He had revealed to me that he was contemplating whether or not to have back surgery to deal with the chronic pain he has lived with since he was a teen.

I listened carefully to the details of his condition, like when it began and what happens whenever he has been standing for too long and must seek out a chair. That sort of thing. It didn’t sound like the quality of his life was anywhere near what he wanted it to be. But he was obviously in great conflict about actually getting around to setting a surgery date.

I explained to him that my experience is that men tend to be in denial about some things, their health in particular, way Way WAY longer than women. For example, I told him, I had learned of an actual health crisis that exemplified my point.

An ailing, obese man was admitted to the hospital. The patient was in the bed, wearing a hospital gown. The man was asked by the attending physician if he knew what brought him in, and what symptoms he was currently having. His reply was that he was having difficulty walking and was short of breath.

But what the problem turned out to be was something entirely other than heart and lung disease. I am not making this up. A quick glance revealed the man’s testicles were the size of grapefruits. Yet the man had not even mentioned it.

That patient is not an outlier. There are many men — and to be fair, women — who avoid dealing with health problems. They can find a myriad of creative ways to ignore it, whether it be through the use of alcohol and painkillers, or by convincing themselves it will get better on its own. Sometimes the problem will for sure get better without medical intervention. But when it persists, then something much bigger is likely going on in one’s psyche.

For the man with the back condition, he was aware that it was not going to go away or even improve ever so slightly. I think he wasn’t sure how much worse he might feel over time, but had been told by doctors that the remedy was a particularly invasive surgery. Recovery from that operation would be many months of immobility and an agonizingly slow return to being independent of caregivers.

What he was stuck on was wondering when the right time was to have it done, meaning when he would be certain it was time. His doctors had already given their assessment.

My suggestion was delivered with bluntness, intended to get him out of his dilemma sooner rather than later. I told him that men die young, generally younger than women. He had already spent years living in this pain, and if he put off the procedure much longer, the recovery was only going to be more difficult because that’s how it works. It is harder to recover from things like surgery the older we get. So, if he delayed much longer, his recovery phase would be needlessly lengthier, and then he’d likely have a relatively short time of being pain-free before he was dead.

We’ll see if that truth moves the dime any.

Being asked for my medical opinion is not unusual. Not too long ago, a man with an unusual facial condition told me his doctor had told him to see a specialist. I asked him when that was. I wasn’t surprised when he responded “months ago.” Though I did not see his problem as particularly life-threatening, I urged him to follow the wise guidance of his doctor and set up an appointment with a surgeon for a consultation.

Some people would rather not know the truth about their health condition. They prefer to live in a limbo-like fantasy. That’s a state of mind that is similar in some ways to romantic delusions. For example, Bob’s friend, Arnold, tells him that Bob’s spouse, Jenny, is having an affair with Ed. As long as Bob doesn’t confront Jenny or Ed about what is going on, Bob can get to remain living in a state of uncertainty, of hope, the hope that there is no infidelity going on, and then having to figure out what happens after that.

Hope is not a strategy. Hope is just an amazing energy source. But living in truth, well, that is the real energy, the real power, that will heal everything.

Giselle M. Massi is the author of “We are Here for a Purpose: HOW TO FIND YOURS” and the novel “Just Dance the Steps.” Her romantacy “WYNTER’S DREAM” is now available. Giselle was a journalist with The Denver Post for 16 years and writes the newspaper advice column TELL GISELLE. Contact her at www.gisellemassi.com.

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