“My boyfriend and I broke up a while ago, and now he is reaching out to reconnect. I haven’t fully moved on to a serious new relationship, though I have been dating steadily in hopes of having a long-term love.
“We are both almost thirty and have decent jobs now. I’m hoping to turn my job into a career, but I don’t think he is thinking that way for himself. I’m really undecided about how to go about maybe putting some time into working at having a better relationship with him, or if that’s a waste of my time.”
G: When it comes to broken or troubled romances, I tend to think that it is always a good idea to talk again, rather than keeping the silence going. My reasoning is simple: you can always say “No, thank you” after that one encounter.
This is similar to following through with job searches. If you apply for a position that seems like it may be beneficial, don’t pull out of the process before you see it to its natural conclusion. If you are offered an interview and are not sure if it is the right job for you, just go through with it anyway. That way, you can see what you can learn that you may not have considered or don’t already know. You can always say “No, thank you” if you are offered the job.
Seeing one another again and talking things out can help to clear up any doubts and maybe even fill in some missing details about what brought the union to an end as it did. I realize that is a rose-colored view of a complicated situation, but that does happen. People who reconnect just to talk may discover pretty quickly how they feel. The next steps they take, whether together or apart, can bring more peace to mind and heart.
There is, of course, the question of whether or not you or he had been in some kind of co-dependency or addictive pattern. Is his reaching out to you a repeat of the hot-and-cold behavior? You may be surprised to discover that one or both of you have a rhythm of being close, then pulling away. Question whether or not there was insecurity or control issues, or if there just wasn’t enough compatibility or electricity to keep things on track for you.
Many people stay with a partner because they are afraid of ending up alone for too long, permanently alone, or with someone even less desirable. Question whether or not you fit into any of those conditions.
If you decide to connect with him, whether for a serious date or just coffee, let him do most of the talking. Without coming right out with questions, see if what he talks about reveals anything new, like how he has changed. You may be able to detect if he is in a desperate state, or feeling guilty or needy.
If you believed you had once been close friends, let your gut guide you to know whether or not remaining friends with him, and not being romantically bonded to one another, is a better fit for you. I have seen too many couples make the mistake and not choose to be friends.
It can actually be a sane option to keep space in your life for them. Breaking up with a good person — that you have outgrown or maybe realized is not the totally right person for you — is not easy, but it is often necessary. But if you do cut the cord, be sure you are not cheating yourself out of keeping a precious, lifelong friend.
If you are thinking about trying again with him, see if he is willing to go to couples counseling. Therapy can help accelerate the resolution of any problems or discord that pulled your relationship apart. If he is resistant, that is telling you pretty much all you need to know.
Giselle M. Massi is the author of “We are Here for a Purpose: HOW TO FIND YOURS” and the novel “Just Dance the Steps.” Her romantacy “WYNTER’S DREAM” is now available. Giselle was a journalist with The Denver Post for 16 years and writes the newspaper advice column TELL GISELLE. Contact her at www.gisellemassi.com.
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Giselle M. Massi is the author of “We are Here for a Purpose: HOW TO FIND YOURS” and the novel “Just Dance the Steps.” Her new romantacy “WYNTER’S DREAM” is now available. Giselle was a journalist with The Denver Post for 16 years and writes the newspaper advice column TELL GISELLE. Contact her at www.gisellemassi.com.