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Some of the most poignant stories from the American Civil War era are about families torn apart by conflicting political loyalties between close relatives. We’ve all been moved by Ken Burns’ documentaries and the “brother against brother” battles. The recent elections have provided yet another backdrop for similar if less physical battles. Families all over our country wonder will the upcoming holidays be a “a time to tear” or “a time to mend?”
Nearly 100 million Americans travel by plane, train or automobile between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day. Family gatherings during the holidays can trigger arguments since you may get together with relatives you haven’t seen all year. If you have unresolved issues with them, it’s likely that they resurface during your visit. The promise of a fun-filled holiday visit with the family can sour when tempers flare and old arguments reignite around the dinner table. This year, there’s a good chance politics will be at the center of some family disagreements. This kind of stress is bad for your health, both in the moment and over the long-term: Your heart races, stress hormones are released and your mood goes from good to bad in a split second. It’s important to arrive with a plan to avoid any problems. Fortunately, there are some simple ways you can keep the peace this year.
Work out your issues before the gathering: If a problem has been festering between you and a family member, try to resolve it before meeting over the holidays. Send an email or call them on the phone. Be opened minded and, if you played a part in creating the problem, make an apology.
Avoid hot-button topics: Not everyone will share your views on important issues. If you know a topic such as politics and the presidential election will create anger instead of leading to a fun debate, perhaps it’s best to avoid it.
Take part in an activity or exercise: A family game of touch football before dinner can do a world of good. It gets your blood pumping and releases endorphins, your feel-good hormone. It also helps you to bond with family members over a common goal. Just keep the testosterone in check.
Pay attention to seating arrangements: If you have family members who simply cannot get along, seat them at opposite ends of the table. While resolving issues is always a good idea, sometimes avoiding them works just as well.
Avoid drinking too much alcohol: Overindulging in alcohol is bad for your health and it lowers your inhibitions, which makes it easy for arguments to start. If you drink at a holiday gathering, limit yourself to the recommended daily maximum of two drinks per day for men and one per day for women. This alone would have avoided lots of issues while my uncles debated just about everything each holiday, in the basement at my grandmother’s house in Bayonne, N.J. when I was a little kid.
While one argument probably won’t hurt your health, you should be careful if anger and conflict are the norm in your life. Stress in general is not good for you, and the type of stress you experience when arguing with family and friends can be particularly damaging.
The type of stress generated by arguments and unresolved conflicts affects virtually every system in your body. You may experience anxiety and depression, as well as headaches and difficulty sleeping. Arguing also elevates your heart rate and blood pressure, putting you at greater risk for problems such as hypertension, heart attacks and stroke. You’re also more likely to suffer from acid reflux and indigestion, which can turn your Thanksgiving dinner into a miserable experience.
When you argue it increases your stress, which stimulates and therefore taxes your immune system. This can be bad for your health in the long run. It may make you more susceptible to illnesses such as colds and flu, and even diseases like some cancer.
Start now to make a plan to defuse any powder kegs in your family. I think the Casales will be OK this Thanksgiving. A visit from a new granddaughter buffers all kinds of potential conflicts except, perhaps, who gets to rock her to sleep.
