Click here to subscribe today or Login.
“My husband tends to dwell in the past, whereas I work on staying in the now. When he brings up people and events from our distant history it is usually with a tinge of sadness or melancholy. I try to shift his focus on today, and what we are doing, but he can’t or is unwilling to see what I am talking about. It’s becoming a wedge between us.”
G: Long married couples, or other relationships that share a significant history, do not always remember those times in the same way. Part of the pleasure and reward of going down memory lane is when we hit a rut in the road and are jarred into realizing that what we may have thought was going on at the time, was actually something quite different or profound.
There are several ways to navigate incompatibilities like you are experiencing with your husband. I’ll mention them briefly and then elaborate on each.
One is to pack on the resentments and continue to turn a deaf ear when he dips into some pattern of nostalgia fantasy. Another is to go deep into the conversation by hearing him out fully. A third option is to get into the weeds with him emotionally and psychologically to see what may be underpinning the obsession with looking back.
The first option is not recommended for the obvious reason that it will hasten the demise of any potential for happiness in your life, now or down the road. You could begin a conversation with him with these points:
‘When you speak of the past with sad tones, it makes me want to tune you out. It’s a buzz kill for our relationship because it makes me feel like you are stuck in a rut of regret or a wound that is only getting larger the more you dwell in the past. Are you aware that this has become a habit, a pattern with you? Can we talk about this without you being upset that I’ve brought it up? I’m concerned about you and what your low mood is doing to you and to us.’
Initially he may not respond well to what appears to be a criticism or you nagging him, but it’s important to realize in order to have a healthy engagement with our loved ones, we have to continue growing the trust between us. Without an airing of our sense of where things stand now, it’s pretty near impossible to get to work on how to go forward and deepen that trust and intimacy. The takeaway here is you need to start the conversation if you want to continue to be in this relationship in a healthy, fulfilling way.
The second option is when he begins his jog down the distant road, join him fully. Give him the audience that he is likely needing in that moment. Start by taking a few deep breaths to relax, so you can calmly pivot away from your own world fixations. Be selfless. Put your total attention on the details coming out of his mouth.
Try not to interrupt, but when he raises a specific point that you clearly remember, ask him what he was thinking at the time, what it felt like then, and see where he takes the conversation. The deeper he may get into the details with you fully present, it is possible his mood may lift dramatically.
My long years as a counselor have shown me that often it is in the airing of one’s thoughts, just the act of telling someone else our story, that our burdens are lightened. Somehow the action of having words come out of our mouths so that our ears can hear our words, when in conversation with another person, is enough for perspective to form. The thoughts and the emotions that are generated by those thoughts can transmute into wisdom and peace.
A type of magic occurs just from having someone with us, or on the phone or on zoom, who we know is interested in what we have gone through, and how it is affecting us. That love bond, from the act of compassion we display while listening attentively, is where healing, growth and joy can happen.
The final option is to get into anything physical that may be contributing to low mood. Even a deficiency in some vitamins, particularly B12, folate and B6 can radically change our outlook and energy. Deficiencies in minerals such as magnesium, zinc, iodine, and potassium can play a crucial role in overall wellbeing. Being underhydrated or not getting enough quality sleep are other factors to consider. I suggest you get into a conversation about any of these points that are relevant to the situation and see what tweaks you can help make.
Start with one option, but go for three. We are complex beings, dependent on the honesty and care of others to keep us in the light. Email Giselle with your question at [email protected] or send mail: Giselle Massi, P.O. Box 991, Evergreen, CO 80437. For more info and to read previous columns, go to www.gisellemassi.com