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Summarizing here a divorced parent’s outreach to me. An all-too common, painful issue:
“My ex is forbidding me to let our young children attend my church. I’ve spent much time seeking a faith community and establishing membership. This is an attempt to have the children essentially take sides, and against me. My ex wants them to reject my faith affiliation, and is directing them to embrace atheism.
“We have a joint custody agreement. I would not treat my ex the same way, if my ex were to choose to teach or expose our children to other practices. We came from different backgrounds. For several years, it did not appear to me that it could grow to become this disruptive. Particularly since the divorce, I am isolated without family nearby or close friends. I am upset because these parishioners and the pastor have become my support system.”
G: This conflict is common where divorce discord dominates, and it is also a serious divide even when the couple separates amicably. The way forward is not simple and will take a great deal of time to work through as your children are so young.
For starters, under joint custody, your former spouse cannot prevent you from exposing your children to religious education or practice. To try to do so is revealing the extent of the ignorance of your ex. It also highlights great challenges facing you as you raise your children in ways that will not exacerbate hostility between all of you.
In divorce conflicts such as this with young children, if you were to do a power play move, it could backfire and cause even more aggressive and manipulative behavior. Therefore, I think it best right now to not bring your children into the church you’ve been attending. Continue to open up your network, stay involved or remain a member of that community, but expand your knowledge with deeper reading and even comparative religion classes. These will take you beyond the rote information you absorbed from childhood and help you, now an adult, reconsider – maybe even discard or strengthen – some of your beliefs.
There is a simple, positive way to expose your young children to a spiritual path, that puts great emphasis on cultivating awe, wonder and happiness, rather than teaching adherence to dogmas. Many religious traditions were developed for an illiterate, uneducated population, and, to be generous, this may in part be what your ex is really trying to push back against, however cruel or inartful.
Your ex likely will not oppose you introducing your children to life’s marvels at every opportunity through nature. With regular exposure to parks, planetarium shows, wildlife sanctuaries, well-run zoos and natural history museums, you will be showing them the diversity and beauty of life. This can help open their minds to questions of our existence, and will naturally broaden their curiosity and passions.
Your ex will hear about those joyful adventures, as they will likely report back with enthusiasm about their exciting time with you. For now, you do not have to emphasize or include any discussion about the existence or presence of a deity, unless they present you with questions. As the children continue to grow and learn, you will be able to speak openly about what you think may have created this world.
You can then share with them how you came to think of the forces that guide life and how you view your relationship to all living things. You can also talk about how you were raised and where you may have differing beliefs than your own parents or siblings.
Key to being healthy is to pivot away from your ex’s dramas. Expand your compassion for her suffering. Clearly someone who seeks to control another, especially a former partner or spouse in that way, has not matured. They are unable to see the harm they are inflicting on their own children. Restricting information, and denying you to inform your own children about you and your thinking, are manifestations of fear and a pathological disorder.
To be an informed citizen and, for example, to be able to make educated choices when it comes to voting, we must know a great deal about many different cultures. This includes having some basic familiarity with the religious or spiritual practices that motivate our global friends, allies and foes.
The more we learn about our differences, the greater our capacity will become to comfortably navigate the challenges that will inevitably come up with employment opportunities and social or community engagements.
I had a colleague who would periodically say, “We mock what we do not understand.” It is such a basic truism, yet lost to many who are habituated to conflict or who are not actively seeking peace. With that maxim in mind, for my readers who do not know much about or do not understand atheism, or non-belief, I recommend the books “Letter to a Christian Nation” by Sam Harris and “The God Delusion” by evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins. Both of these treatises will expand your vocabulary and, hopefully, acceptance/tolerance of others who are also walking a path of peacemaking, in their unique way, sans a deity.
Email Giselle with your question at [email protected] or send mail: Giselle Massi, P.O. Box 991, Evergreen, CO 80437. For more info and to read previous columns, go to www.gisellemassi.com.
Email Giselle with your question at [email protected] or send mail: Giselle Massi, P.O. Box 991, Evergreen, CO 80437. For more info and to read previous columns, go to www.gisellemassi.com.