Tell Giselle: More Faith Clashes

In my universe, nothing seems to get people more riled up than debates about religion or diets. This continues last week’s column:

“A relative insists on talking to my teen about her beliefs. They are not at all, I mean way opposite, of what I believe, and this is disturbing for me.

“I do not want to escalate this into a break in the relationship but do not know the best way to stop this.”

G: My response is dependent on a few factors, such as the age of the relative in question, and whether or not they have little or limited access or regular contact with your child. Since I do not have the details, I will respond to this from the 35-thousand-foot perspective.

I have found more often than not that being open to lengthier conversations, rather than less talking, is ultimately going to help smooth out the awkward or upsetting moments in most all of our relationships. This is because the root of so many difficulties in our relationships stems from a minor misunderstanding, miscommunication or incomplete information.

Most attempts at a blanket shutdown of a particular topic, especially if one does not preface that desire or request with a clear reason for doing that, tend to harden one’s heart against another. This just compounds the discord.

So, I do not suggest you tell your relative to stop talking to your child about her religious beliefs.

Having said that, a parent’s responsibility is to keep their children safe from harm. In order to do this, we really ought to be looking closely and honestly at what is actual harm. Ideas/beliefs, whether we align with them or not, can be harmful, but all information can be viewed as an opportunity for broadening one’s ability to think and behave in ways that are beneficial.

Rather than telling your child to reject or ignore your relative’s views, I would support a conversation with your child that begins as a teachable moment. The strategy here is to expose your child to many divergent opinions.

This needs to be conveyed with the understanding that some ideas are provably absurd, such as the earth is flat, or that the planet was created only a few thousand years ago according to religious teachings. Science, facts, data count here. Pull up some science papers and images and demonstrate this lesson about fact vs. fiction, opinions based in science and those that are rooted in wishful/hopeful thinking.

We help our children grow by introducing them to information that is going to strengthen their ability for them to think for themselves. Fantasmagorical thinking can be fun and creative, even necessary for entertainment, advancing the arts and technology, but we are not to hold fast to beliefs that ultimately distract us from discoveries of truth.

As a parent, you are spiritually entitled to express to your relative, or to anyone else, that you would prefer their interaction with your child does not include certain topics. You can mention religious beliefs, but it’s also an opportunity for you to add to that list the broad topic of sex education and sexual relationships.

Often the adherence to dogmatic religion, with certain faith practices, spills over to edicts on sexual behavior and/or orientation. It also can influence one’s dietary practices. So, you might have to add to the list any discussions that ultimately are trying to dissuade or encourage your child to adhere to their way of eating.

For example, some orthodox teachings do not support eating meat and dairy at the same meal. If you look into the reasoning of those beliefs, you can see that it has nothing to do with whether or not one should eat animal products, or how one digests those particular foods, but rather concerns teaching a sensitivity to, and respect for, the animals.

I became aware that a family member did not want their children being given any ice cream when they were visiting the grandparents. Behind the parents’ back, one of the grandparents violated that request, and regularly would indulge the children with ice cream and then tell the children not to say anything about it to their parents.

Pretty horrific behavior in my spiritual playbook. Not the restriction of the ice cream, but on the part of the grandparent who disregarded the parents’ request. And then the grandparent teaching the children how to keep secrets and hide their disobedience.

Many families go through similar tugs and pulls, with varying competing ways of how best to guide children to become healthy, stable citizens. The best way to be positive role models, for children and others who we influence, is to be direct and honest with everyone we encounter. This may push us out of our comfort zone, and require we speak up when it might seem simpler to just keep quiet and not rock the boat.

But do speak up, and talk to any of your family members, or your circle, as if you are talking to someone you love.

Email Giselle with your question at [email protected] or send mail: Giselle Massi, P.O. Box 991, Evergreen, CO 80437. For more info and to read previous columns, go to www.gisellemassi.com.