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“A distant relative is concerned enough about their parent’s driving that they placed one of those tracking devices that show the location of the vehicle. Do you think it is necessary for them to let both the parents know they have done this?”
G: Whenever we undertake any behavior that is something we would not be OK with had it been done to us, we really need to be updating our spiritual playbook.
Presumably the action of the tracking device was taken because of some erratic or concerning driving behavior. Apparently, there is something going on that indicates a decline in physical or mental ability.
When any family member or friend becomes so concerned about their loved one’s ability to operate a car, what is essentially a death weapon, putting a tracking device on the vehicle is not the first course of action. I would not advise this, and I would recommend its removal.
The responsible order of action would be to first engage the person in a respectful conversation. Describe with some specifics, if possible, any instances that have brought you to talk to them about their driving. These do not have to be restricted to actual driving incidents. It could be any episodes of forgetfulness, lapses in attention or wakefulness, or any physical impairment, such as muscle weakness or balance issues, that could diminish their ability to hit the brakes or veer to avoid a crash.
If, after that conversation, the driver is unwilling to acknowledge they may be, or are, a risk to themselves and others due to declines in their skill to safely operate a car, mention that they have an obligation to undergo a review of their driving. This would require an evaluation at an authorized facility.
In tandem with this conversation would be bringing up the medical check that would be appropriate at this time. Whenever one sees this level of concern with one’s driving, there may be underlying health issues. Seek to have them be examined by a doctor as soon as possible.
Should all of these steps go unheeded, the final step would be to notify their physician, that is if you have access to that contact, and to also notify the local police. You will have to file a petition for evaluation which would initiate a legal process to investigate your claim of concern. When it is determined that one’s driving needs to be tested, the person in question is legally required to complete the test.
I realize all of this may seem extreme, but what is more extreme is the power of denial. It’s understandable why none of us who drive and thrive by the independence it gives us are eager for the day when we can no longer exercise that freedom of movement. What is extremely tragic is watching loved ones put themselves and others at risk. It is a helpless, anxiety-inducing feeling.
Be prepared to provide your loved one with several solutions for how they can manage without driving themselves anywhere. This may require leaning heavily on other family members, friends, neighbors and social services.
Years ago, after I found one of my siblings in the throes of a severe mental collapse, I did everything I could think of to get her license taken away, including filing papers with the county social workers to interview my sibling. I also contacted the dealership who had the lease on the truck my sibling had been driving, to alert them of the situation and to see what they could do to reclaim the truck. I filed papers with the court for guardianship and hired an attorney to see me through this lengthy process.
The point here is to do everything you can, including legal action, when there is a serious, legitimate problem that cannot be denied.
Many will ignore this and think it is all gonna just work out, no worry. Until they read a newspaper headline, above the fold, of a person who should not have been driving ending up killing a family of five. That was my worry.
As to telling the family member that you put a tracker on their car, the answer is Yes. Full transparency and honesty, rather than a covert “faux” solution. Explain why you did this as the opening to the conversation. Remind them you are wanting to secure them and the innocents on the road. If you don’t do these things, in my spiritual playbook, you are equally culpable for any tragedies that result from that dangerous driver being behind the wheel.
To my readers, please share this column with anyone going through this challenge or facing this difficult conversation with their loved one.
Email Giselle with your question at [email protected] or send mail: Giselle Massi, P.O. Box 991, Evergreen, CO 80437. For more info and to read previous columns, go to www.gisellemassi.com.
Email Giselle with your question at [email protected] or send mail: Giselle Massi, P.O. Box 991, Evergreen, CO 80437. For more info and to read previous columns, go to www.gisellemassi.com.