Tell Giselle: Putting the goods in the window, again

“After a dry stretch from a bad breakup, I am opening up to finding a new relationship. The hurdle I need to get past is going to parties. I want to be able to say Yes to the invites but I tend to hesitate because I am uncomfortable putting myself in situations where I don’t know the majority of people.

“It’s also unnerving knowing there may be people there who are still friends with my ex. How do I show up as my best self and not the poster child for anxiety?”

G: Like creating any new habit, it’s always best to take small steps. When we try to make too many changes all at once, it can seem overwhelming and feel like way too much pressure that is only setting us up for failure. Think in terms of a change in diet. Many of us are deficient in fiber. But if you try to add too much fiber too quickly, thinking that more is better, you can experience gastronomic distress.

Start by accepting invites to small parties only. This will give you practice in connecting more intimately with a few people. Small groups tend to offer an opportunity to spend time with the host, who can make the introductions to those you do not know a more relaxed, casual and warm experience.

If you feel you must accept an invite to a large group, such as a wedding, just know there are plenty of others who will be there that will likely be feeling a similar degree of awkwardness. You can let the host know in advance that you are adjusting to your new social reality, trying to find your legs again. Ask if they are able to seat you at a table with others who come from similar backgrounds, or share your interests or type of work, so that you’ll have a built-in set of topics to connect over.

I know people who happily socialize but who suffer from social anxiety. I know it sounds incredulous, but there are people who love to be around others, who crave the intellectual and festive space, but cannot do it without having first consumed a recreational drug and/or alcohol to tamp down the nervousness they feel. Others regularly rely on anti-anxiety meds. Some cope with pre-party stress by binge eating before they head out the door, so that they don’t binge at the party.

I do not judge what people do to self-medicate. What I recommend is trying not to lean on or depend on any crutch.

Another way to meet a potential partner and to overcome the resistance you feel with strangers, is to open up your network by hosting parties. Invite people you do know and ask them to bring someone new to the party. This will give you practice in finding yourself again, in a controlled setting. The idea here is you are going to meet other people who have been at least partially vetted by those you do know. That can help put you more at ease, knowing there is some safety in being among friends of friends.

The way to reenter the dating scene is “You have to put the goods in the window.” You’ve got to get out there. Circulate. Announce you are available. Sure, you may bump into someone in a public space, in a waiting line, at a doctor’s office lobby, on a train, bus or plane, and be swept away into a romance. But it is often the meet and greets, through someone we know who introduces us to their circle, or from the common and familiar spaces, like work, that we find our social legs and may end up wrapping them around a potential partner’s.

The key is to get comfortable with being in the world, knowing that you are creating it every day. Own that authority. Step out into the world of parties with a level of confidence that you know is the real you. It’s there underneath any sense of intimidation or self-consciousness, or fear of being sized up or judged.

There are people who want to get to know you and who may desire to be in relationship with you. Dress that window appropriately to attract what works for you and it’s just a matter of time before you find a compatible match.

Email Giselle with your question at [email protected] or send mail: Giselle Massi, P.O. Box 991, Evergreen, CO 80437. For more info and to read previous columns, go to www.gisellemassi.com.