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“There is an upcoming family reunion I do not want to attend. The backstory on this is it is not something I really have any interest in doing. I don’t like the location or several of the group members who are non-relatives. When I think about the expense, it just frosts me even more.
“I have been to enough of these gatherings to know that it’s gonna be about the same ole same ole, with even lousier food since it’s in a relative food desert.
“I don’t do well with being pressured into anything and that’s how these things typically go down. I want to find the best way to excuse myself from these types of invites that always come with a plea for a donation to the event.”
G: Your action will come down to what you are hoping to accomplish. Do you want to be understood or do you just want to protest because these reunions create in you a desire to further separate yourself from the folks who attend?
If you want to be understood that these gatherings are just “not your thing,” there are better, or more sensitive, ways to go about conveying that position. You can start by engaging with the lead organizer, not someone else in the thread of texts or emails you’ve likely been receiving that have announced the date and place and cost. Don’t delay in getting your reply off to them. It shows you are being considerate of the complex planning, that requires a solid head count. Offer an appreciation of their efforts to unify, or deepen, the bonds of this clan of sorts. Express gratitude that even though you are not going to be there, that you were again considered to be on the invite list.
From there, simply establish that though you enjoy some of the time together, you really are generally not comfortable in these large gatherings. If applicable, add that this year you have been intending on doing some travel and the reunion would be a pinch to your budget. Finish with a clear sentence that you hope they will understand. You can, if you are in a position to, include a mention that you will send some money as a contribution.
Separate from this event, you might give some consideration to making gestures with any of the members you do care about, to meet up with you, if they are not far from where you live. It does not have to be seen as a substitute reunion, but more of a one-on-one. You can turn this into a practice of connecting via phone or social media, rotating among those you have compatibility with, to reinforce your membership in the clan.
But, bottom line in my spiritual playbook is, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.
This may sound selfish to some readers who “go along to get along,” or who find the whole idea of not compromising, or not putting others’ needs and wants above their own, rude or distasteful.
I’ll explain how I came to my worldview. When growing up in a large family, with a very large extended family, there were many opportunities for gatherings of one kind or another. Whether it was weddings, funerals, or birthday and anniversary celebrations, Oh, and did I mention the constant stream of holidays?
What I observed were the emotional games, the politics, of various members of the group. Some who sucked it up and attended resented those who had the hutzpah to opt out. The ones who reluctantly attended, out of a perceived obligation or duty, acted like they were martyrs. They didn’t show up with the free spirit of pleasure to be in the moment, with others they truly enjoyed. They seemed to have difficulty with saying No and not feeling guilty, so they would say Yes.
I could never understand why it would make sense to go to anything without a full heart of gratitude or joy for the occasion. If I could not be in that state of mind and heart, I surely wasn’t going to suddenly morph into it, and be happy.
I live out of a goal to learn, to grow in kindness and compassion. To do that requires learning what boundaries are appropriate for ourselves. Being able to say No, and No Thank You, when we really are not OK with saying Yes, is one of the necessary steps on our way to spiritual maturity. So is ditching the guilt over these invite declines.
Email Giselle with your question at [email protected] or send mail: Giselle Massi, P.O. Box 991, Evergreen, CO 80437. For more info and to read previous columns, go to www.gisellemassi.com.
Email Giselle with your question at [email protected] or send mail: Giselle Massi, P.O. Box 991, Evergreen, CO 80437. For more info and to read previous columns, go to www.gisellemassi.com.