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“My father has been exhibiting some disturbing behavior. He lives alone, but mostly has been doing quite well. He used to be even-tempered, but now that he is close to 80 he has become more irritable. I find him more unpleasant. I cannot determine what is troubling him.
“A few years ago, a friend was having similar experiences with her aging parent. We’ve compared notes. Neither of us really know if there is a good way to help our elderly parents without having to resort to taking on the full parenting role or having them move in with us. Not ready for that.”
G: May is mental health awareness month. In my spiritual playbook, mental health awareness is actually every day. That’s because in a moment, and from day-to-day, things can rapidly change; the ground under a person can suddenly shift like a strong earthquake. What once looked like normal becomes anything but that. With any serious mental illness, the ground may just continue to reverberate uncertainty across the circle of loved ones.
Helping anyone who is close to us, who we regard as either family or who holds an important place in our heart, can come at great expense emotionally, physically and financially. You’ve got to decide just how much you are capable of and willing to do, and for how long, for anyone who is exhibiting concerning changes in behavior.
It may be as simple as a nutritional imbalance, or it could be a distinct medical emergency, such as what happens with some people who display changes that can precipitate a medical diagnosis of a brain tumor or stroke. No matter how scary, nothing should be overlooked.
Speaking from personal experience, there’s a good way to start to improve the situation you are in. If you have not worked on getting the medical power of attorney, that’s a good place to begin. That conversation can lead to setting up health care appointments.
While all that is going on, try to involve anyone else in your circle of loved ones who either have a personal stake or have some type of expertise that you may need to rely on or include. Such as, legal expertise or social workers who can guide you through any of those steps.
Years ago, while I was trying to assist one of my siblings who I had found in a total mental collapse, I was clueless as to where to begin. There are so many directions you can be pulled in and some can eat up time you cannot afford to waste. If you don’t have access to your loved one’s doctor, try contacting their office. Explain you need guidance, and ask for a contact for family social services so that you can at least get referrals and evaluations started, and possibly arrange for regular home check in to begin.
What typically doesn’t work as well is diving in with a confrontation, any direct accusation or forced conversation where you may be putting your parent on the defense. When behaviors start to change, sometimes the person cannot even detect they are undergoing some altered state.
That was the situation with my sibling. When this happens, the name for it is called anosognosia. It is a neurological problem, whereby the person is unaware of the deficit or psychiatric condition. Some causes of this can be brain lesions, strokes, memory loss, and mental disease. That is what turned out to be my sibling’s diagnosis.
Dealing with any form of mental illness is going to require a pivot toward unconditional love. As I wrote in a 2006 column (it’s on my website) about what I went through, unconditional love is much like walking a forest trail, with thin rays of light guiding the way through dense trees and unimagined dangers around the bend. Sometimes the winding, strenuous ascent of unconditional love even takes one through unexpected land mines of family strife and the courts.
Faith and love bring me light and show me ways to remove obstacles that create or sustain delusion. In the place of my sister’s dangerous fantasies, a new reality was being created for her by the court. This new reality is on the greener side of the fence where hope resides, where she can no longer be impaled. Where wounds can heal.
Email Giselle with your question at [email protected] or send mail: Giselle Massi, P.O. Box 991, Evergreen, CO 80437. For more info and to read previous columns, go to www.gisellemassi.com.
Email Giselle with your question at [email protected] or send mail: Giselle Massi, P.O. Box 991, Evergreen, CO 80437. For more info and to read previous columns, go to www.gisellemassi.com.