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“A really special friend mentioned during a recent get-together that he is changing jobs. He’s not in a relationship so he has the flexibility of moving out of state if the right opportunity comes up. He’s been unhappy for a while with his career choice, so I wasn’t surprised to hear any of this.
“He mentioned he had been trying to lose some weight, to get fit, but then casually told me he had another binge session over the weekend with alcohol. I was caught off guard by his disconnected thinking. He’s too smart not to realize his excess drinking is the issue. I didn’t say anything just then, but it’s bugging me. Should I insert myself into his problem?”
G: Sometimes we aren’t clear what to do at the moment something is brought to our attention, especially with those whom we are close. Partly it has to do with whether or not there is sufficient time to get into it, to give the topic the space and focus it deserves. Or it is because the issue may make us feel unsure whether or not our friendship or relationship can withstand the real talk, the deep vulnerability and honesty that is required.
Someone’s excess drinking, or even their recreational drug use or undisciplined appetite, can be so upsetting to us that it may cause an irreparable chasm to form in even our most treasured friendships. When this occurs, we may be faced with a major spiritual test, one that can actually help reveal to us just where we stand with them. It can also help clarify what we want out of our friendship.
Excess drinking is not a joke. Nor is letting one’s health or fitness level sink to a level that will only hold a person back from happiness and even career fulfillment. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) considers moderate drinking for men as two drinks or less in one day. For women it is one drink or less in a day. The National Institute of Health (NIH) also has great info: http://bit.ly/4kmm3gU.
You must consider the setting and circumstances in which to address this concern. You cannot just spring it on them when you are out having a lovely dinner while consuming a cocktail, or when time may be a constraint. It also means you have to be prepared that your friend may not receive your feedback with gratitude.
It is common for someone who is not ready to admit they have a problem with alcohol, drugs or food, to become defensive. They may reject your concern as if it were an inappropriate criticism. They may be at such a serious level of denial that you may not be able to break it in just one conversation, or ever.
People who are not well in mind, body and spirit, can usually find whatever way they need to feel better, at least for the short run. Sometimes that means they will avoid being around anyone who they perceive is in their way of continuing their self-destructive path. They may respond like this is a personal attack and cut you out of their life for a time, or else ditch the friendship entirely.
Still, being silent is not what I recommend. This is because you do care about them and their wellbeing. Those who have been in my life for many years know me well enough to know I have only their happiness and best interests at heart. Therefore, it would be natural for me to say something if there were a downturn in condition in any of my loved ones. Remind your friend of how you hold them in your heart, and convey you realize the risk in talking to them about their behavior.
Your friend may not be in a situation where they are fully neglecting themselves now, but what they do need is your honesty and encouragement to respect their body. Truth be told, they are headed down a road for being at even greater risk of harming themselves or others. It is not your responsibility to see them through every step of their reset. You do not have to act like a parental figure and keep constant vigil. Your obligation, however, is to face the fact they have chosen a dangerous lifestyle.
Consider recommending that they get help with their career transition by seeing a counselor, and mention they may benefit from attending AA meetings. Suggest to them that you realize this may just be a situational challenge they are in, and they may get out of their slump soon enough. But, remind them, there’s really no way of knowing that today.
Think this through to be sure you are prepared to lose a friendship. Consider that it may actually be what is best. I know that may seem radical, but losing someone who you are not able to connect with or help may not be the worst outcome. That’s because those who are unwilling to accept your loving concern and support are showing you that they are not ready to change. They are stuck in drama neither you nor they can benefit from. Should that be what you discover with your friend, you can still make a change yourself by opening up room for another friendship.
Email Giselle with your question at [email protected] or send mail: Giselle Massi, P.O. Box 991, Evergreen, CO 80437. For more info and to read previous columns, go to www.gisellemassi.com.
Email Giselle with your question at [email protected] or send mail: Giselle Massi, P.O. Box 991, Evergreen, CO 80437. For more info and to read previous columns, go to www.gisellemassi.com.