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I really don’t enjoy New Year’s Eve and I loathe the whole philosophy of resolutions. You and I both know that’s just a bucket o’crap. But, every year, I drink the Kool Aid, so enjoy my half-hearted resolutions for 2019:
1. I will stop crying every time I hear a song from A Star Is Born. Especially “Shallow” which I sang as “Shadow” until very recently. So embarrassing.
2. I will try, really hard, not to yell at Nancy for saying: “Should’ve went” instead of: “Should’ve gone.” I cannot fairly calculate how many explosive flare-ups this has caused. It hurts my heart. The grammar, not the explosive flare-up.
3. I will delete the Amazon app from my phone forever. This one button order and payment crap has also caused explosive flare-ups.
4. I will stop putting a banana up to my ear at work, talk into it and hand it to my boss, saying “Magilla Gorilla is on the line for you.” Why, WHY do I think that’s so hilarious? But I do.
5. I am going to decide not to always try to be the center of all attention. This will be a hard habit to break. It’s been 56 years in the making. As Bette Midler said to Barbara Hershey in Beaches: “Enough about me. Let’s talk about you. What do you think of me?” Sigh. I am Bette. I even have the nose.
6. My kids have asked me to resolve not to text and call them all day long when they are in classes. Why? What’s the big deal? Just mute that sucker, and know your mother loves you enough to nag you electronically for the rest of your life. As I always tell them: when I die, the silence will be deafening and then you’ll wish I could text you. Sometimes, when they are too far away to spank, I hear them mumble: “Well, that can be arranged.” I also resolve to stop saying to my youngest: “Your mother almost legitimately died giving birth to you!” Because it’s true and it’s fun to still talk about, 21 years later. You’re welcome, Patrick.
7. I promised my husband I will be better at taking all the tiny little bones out of my homemade chicken soup before serving it to him. He thinks I’m trying to kill him. Please. Choking is too difficult to plan. He should probably question all the antifreeze in the garage, instead.
8. I resolve to stop asking my daughter when she will present me with a grandchild. She said if I don’t stop telling her to incubate a baby and hand it over to me, she will report me to the authorities. What authorities? The National Association for the Cessation of Insane Mothers? Please. I’m the president of that association.
9. This one is the absolute truth: I will honestly try harder to tell the people I adore how much I love them. I don’t do that often enough. 2019 should be the year that everyone in my circle knows how much they mean to me. Double points if they bring me wine and listen to my endless narratives about how I almost died giving birth!
10. So … I love you, my wonderful readers. The ones who take time out of their day to send me e-mails expressing their enjoyment of my column means more to this woman than you can ever imagine. Keep reading, keep writing, keep loving, keep trucking, keep picking the bones out of your chicken soup. MWAH!