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WASHINGTON — Many of you undoubtedly are wondering what you will do with your time if there is no State of the Union address this year or, more probably, if it is delayed. (Maybe until the snow is gone, the wind chill has climbed over zero and robins are back, but that is wishful thinking.)
SOTU, as Washington whimsically dubs the annual Most Predictably Boring Speech of the Year, is given by POTUS (president of the, well, you know) as mandated by the Constitution. It doesn’t have to be in person. It doesn’t have to be televised. It just has to be a fanciful wish list from the White House to Congress about what could or should but won’t happen in a given year.
It could even be a tweet, but don’t count on it.
Not surprisingly, the state of the union almost always is described in ridiculously optimistic terms. Usually, it is “sound.” That would be difficult to say this year, given the federal shutdown, the standoff over immigration and the near total and completely demoralizing collapse of democracy in the span of the nation’s capital that runs from the White House to the Capitol.
By now, even kindergarteners know that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, second in line for the presidency, politely disinvited Donald Trump from taking his motorcade to the Capitol to speak to members of the House, the Senate, the Supreme Court, the Cabinet, the press and the nation via TV about Trump Nation.
The speaker said the federal shutdown would put too much of a strain on security personnel, who have not been paid in weeks (as in two missed mortgage or rent payments). In the spirit of reciprocity, POTUS then cancelled Pelosi’s supposed-to-be-secret, thank-the-troops weekend trip to Afghanistan. He then dispatched FLOTUS (first lady of the, well, you know) to a Florida R&R on one of his planes.
In the spirit of being helpful, given that SOTU gets longer and longer and longer (emphasis added) every year, here are some suggestions on how to fill the void.
Binge watch every Netflix series you haven’t gotten to because you have been busy living your life or reading presidential tweets.
Start the adoption process for a federal worker and his/her/their family, construct a backyard yurt for said family and make enough lasagna for a month of meals.
Assemble your children and their friends for a re-education session about democracy and how it was supposed to work and still works in some foreign countries where English is not an official language and there are no Republicans or Democrats.
Organize a chain-letter or #listenleader tweet spree to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-Ky., to explain to him that he heads an independent body of government and as such does not work for nor is beholden to Trump. Note that McConnell constitutionally is permitted to bring non-Trump-endorsed legislation such as budget measures to fund the federal government — to which a majority of senators already had agreed — to the floor for votes.
Go to a pawn shop, sell your excess stuff and donate the proceeds to Coast Guard members who are giving music lessons, holding garage sales (although probably not on the high seas), dog sitting (presumably not while swimming) and baking with nonexistent supplies to pay their expenses.
Ditto for air traffic controllers, border guards, TSA employees, Secret Service agents, park employees, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
Call ex-presidential candidate Sen. Lindsey Graham, R-S.C., on his cell phone (Trump famously sent out the number) to ask if his man crush on POTUS has clouded his vision, destroyed his objectivity, ruined his relations on Capitol Hill and given him a green light to advise the president. Ask how that’s working out for him.
Start a rumor that the new beard Sen. Ted Cruz, R-Texas, is sporting makes him look like a poor man’s Fidel Castro. Remind everyone of (bald) former California senator Alan Cranston’s comment that a man has only so many hormones and what he chooses to do with them is up to him.
Organize a Beto is Cute But… party. The likely O’Rourke presidential candidacy of the losing Democratic candidate to Cruz is best greeted with a sci-fi theme. Or turn it into an Oscars party, where guests take turn being the emcee.
Last resort: Shovel. Snow. Again.